The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Oh god it's open bar.
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