i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Even my vagina gasped.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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