My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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