I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize