dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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