i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
