the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
