just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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