Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize