Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize