I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
