i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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