I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
