Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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