i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize