you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
