im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
