let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
