Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
