If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
