piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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