I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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