Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
