I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
