The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
