if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
