Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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