just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
