apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
time to smoke my breakfast
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
