Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
