About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
