My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
