What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
