New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
