Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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