When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
