I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
