so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
