you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
