I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize