Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
