He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
