the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
