It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Randomize
