WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
