at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
