ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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