You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
