tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
