if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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