Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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