Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
