: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
