Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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