just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
