I just threw up on my dentist
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
