I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
