Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
