This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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