a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
