never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
