i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize