K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
