just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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